A Change of Heart

Up to this point, my posts have been all about finding a new home. This post is a little more serious, but one I feel I need to share. It's all about finding God's will. Knowing what His Word says and then following it, even when you don't understand and even when everyone else thinks you are crazy. Everyone wants God's blessings, right? Well, not necessarily. See everyone would like God to bless them with good health, a great job, a big house, you know, material things. But what about God's greatest blessings.........Children? In today's society, the average american home consists of 2 children. Some may even have 3 if the other two are the same gender. How sad is that? I bought into that lie and cut off God's blessings after 3 beautiful daughters. It is a mistake I will never forget, but one I know that I am forgiven. Get comfy because this is going to be a long post.

Here's my story...........

This is the story of my tubal reversal journey. I have to start at the beginning, so let’s go back several years. On June 17, 1994 I gave birth to our third daughter, Kristina Autumn. I was so happy to have another beautiful, perfectly healthy baby girl. At the same time, I was very sad as I had consented to have my tubes tied. My mother and especially my Dr told me it was the responsible thing to do. After all, I already had 3 children, I was 31 and getting older. I was also told, three children are more than enough. I should be happy with that and quit. We were not Christians at this time so we didn't pray and ask God what we should do.

I didn't think much about it in the coming months or even years because I was enjoying the children I had. However, every now and then, I would see a pregnant woman or a woman with a newborn and I would get a little twinge of sadness, but it soon faded.

In 1996 both Michael and I became Christians. September 1998, My world totally changed. One night after Michael and I had been together, Michael felt the Lord lead him to pray that I would conceive. After I fell asleep he laid his hands on my tummy and prayed that the Lord would bless us and allow me to conceive. The next morning he told me what he did and I was very upset and said "You know that's impossible!" his reply was, "Nothing is impossible with God!" From that moment on, the desire to have another child burned inside me.We prayed every month that God would miraculously allow me to conceive, but month after month there was no baby and month after month there was major disappointment.

In April of 1999 I was on the internet looking at information on tubal ligations. To my surprise, I found information on tubal reversals. I had no idea that a tubal ligation could be reversed. The Dr told me it was PERMANENT! I was shocked to see the prices of reversals. In my state they ranged from $10,000.00 to over $15,000.00. I contacted our insurance company to see if they covered it and their reply was "No, because it is an elective surgery." I said "So is a tubal ligation, but you paid for that 100%." They had no response to that. Isn't it amazing that insurance companies will pay to take away your fertility but not to restore it?

Well, there was no way we could come up with that kind of money. We asked our parents for a loan and they both told us no. Every road we took lead to a dead end. We were devastated. As I researched more and prayed, the Lord led me to a doctor in North Carolina. His name is Dr. Gary Berger. I read he had been doing tubal reversals for over 20 years. He was a highly respected and experienced Dr. Women from all over the world went to him. His fee was $5,500.00 but that was still too much for us.

About this time, we had been visiting a little church where a friend of ours was filling in as their pastor. We asked him to pray for us, as I was seeking to have a surgery that insurance didn't cover. That are the only details we gave him. A few weeks later, I received a phone call from a member of that church. This dear sweet woman was in her 70's. She called to tell me that the Lord wanted her to pay for my surgery! I told her she had no idea what it was for or how much it cost. She said it didn't matter because she was being obedient to the Lord. I began crying and couldn't believe that the Lord really was answering our prayer. This woman not only paid for my surgery but for the airfare for Michael and me to go to North Carolina, our hotel and our food. I had my tubal reversal on February 25, 2000. Dr. Berger and his entire staff were wonderful. The surgery lasted a little over an hour. I had minimal pain and my tube lengths are 8 cm on both sides. Oh, how good it feels to be whole again. I can't wait to get pregnant and nurse a newborn baby again.

August 2000 ~ Six months later, we conceived! I was the happiest woman alive, for 8 weeks anyway. I had an ultrasound and I was told that I was going to miscarry because the embryo never developed. I had what is called a “blighted ovum”. Both Michael and I sat in the Doctors office in shock. I cried my heart out to God and begged Him to please save this baby. I went to three different Doctors over the next two weeks and had different ultrasounds. They all confirmed the same thing.

April 2001 ~ My niece gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Hunter. We were due just one month apart. Oh, the bond I had with that little fellow. I fell head over heals in love with him. He spent many nights at our home and I put all my broken heart into caring for him. One afternoon in August I received a phone call from my niece saying Hunter was in the hospital, to come quickly. We dropped everything and went. He was there because of “Shaken Baby Syndrome.” Her boyfriend had been abusing him. At this point Hunter was just 3 ½ months old. They air lifted him to children’s hospital. They told us he would most likely not make it or if he did, he would be severely handicapped and possibly mentally retarded. We were at the hospital every day and Michael laid hands on Hunter's head and prayed for his recovery. I was asked by a social worker if we would be Hunter’s foster parents. We quickly agreed. Hunter came to live with us. We made many trips to Dr appointments, physical therapy and meetings with social workers and court appearances. It was a very stressful and emotional time for all of us. Once we got used to Hunter being here, we couldn’t imagine him not being here.

In September 2001, I conceived again. I was overjoyed and couldn’t praise God enough! Six weeks later, I miscarried. There were no reasons why. It just happened. Again, through my broken heart, I poured myself into this baby I was caring for. Only this time, I was about to experience another hurt, even more painful. We were asked if we would adopt Hunter. To that we quickly agreed. We went to court and the judge decided to have Hunter go back home. The deep sense of pain I felt at that time was almost unbearable. The judge gave us 3 hours to go home and pack all Hunters things. At 5:00 on December 15, 2001, the social worker came into our home, loaded up all Hunters things and took a sleeping Hunter out of my arms for the final time. We were all heart broken.

In March 2002, I conceived again but miscarried 2 days after getting a positive home pregnancy test. I was so mad at God. I told Him, “If you are only going to allow me to conceive only to take the babies back, I don’t ever want to be pregnant again!” I feel like God has totally forgot about me, is ignoring my constant plea for another baby. The thought of conceiving are almost overwhelming. It used to be so easy. Now, it seems impossible. During this time, I had an hsg (a test to see if my tubes were open). I found out my left tube was open but my right tube was blocked. I had a Dr do what is called a selective hsg. That is where they go up through the cervix with a thin catheter and open the tube. He was successful and did get it open.

November 2003 ~ We began infertility treatments which consisted of constant trips to the Dr. (which were 85 miles one way) ultrasounds, blood tests, infertility meds, shots and then the dreaded two week wait to see if it worked. We did 6 cycles of infertility meds with IUI (intrauterine insemination). I responded very well to the meds and always had 5-7 mature follicles but never conceived. Our insurance would only cover 6 cycles and then we were done. We had nothing else left. All we could do was pray, wait, and trust in God. January 19, 2005, I had another hsg. I found out my right tube was blocked AGAIN!

March 4, 2005 ~ I went to see another Dr. to discuss having laprascopic surgery to see the condition of my tubes and everything else.

March 21, 2005 ~ I went in and had a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy. The made a little incision in my belly button and one right beside my right hip bone. They viewed all my reproductive anatomy. The Dr. was able to get my right tube open (praise God) But he did say that it looked like a bomb had gone off in there because there were massive amounts of scar tissue. He couldn’t even visualize the left side. The surgery took a little over an hour. He used a laser to remove a lot of the scar tissue but I will have to go back and have this done again on the left side. They may even have to possibly open me up to be able to get at it.

April 11, 2005 ~ I met with the Dr. again to discuss what to do next. He wants me to heal a bit more and then come in for an ultrasound on May 2. At that time we will discuss where to go from here. I got good results, my CD~3 FSH was 6.6 so I am still ovulating good.

May 2, 2005 ~ I went to see the Dr. again. I had an ultrasound. The Dr. discussed with us about having a laporotomy. It is where they make a 5-11 inch incision in your lower abdomen and go in and clean out as much scar tissue as possible with a laser. I scheduled the surgery for June 10th but now I am having second thoughts. I am just going to wait now and pray as to where to go from here. Do I give up or keep going??????

December 29, 2005 ~ I went into surgery this morning at 7:30. The surgery took 1 ½ hours. The Dr. told me he was able to remove all the adhesions and scar tissue. He said my ovaries, uterus and everything looked great. Also, both my tubes are wide open and healthy. He told me to give it a few months to heal and we can begin to try and conceive. Well, since we don’t believe in birth control, we are not waiting. We are praying God does a miracle.

February 25, 2007 ~ Today is the SEVEN YEAR anniversary of my tubal reversal. We still have no babies. Oh how I wish I understood why God has not given us more children. And, why has He lead us down this long, painful journey? MY heart is broken!

February 1, 2008 ~ After reading over my testimony this far, I see things so differently. I see that we were obedient in having the reversal and making my body as close to the way God created it. I see that we repented from taking my fertility into my own hands and placed it back in God's. I also see that I made having another baby *my god*. I tried to *help* God accomplish what *I* wanted. I have now laid it all down at His feet and have accepted His will, no matter what the outcome. I see that through this great trial, our daughters know just how precious their fertility is, just how big God is, and that HE alone is the One who opens and closes the womb.